We have all been wounded. It is a reality of life. For survivors of sexual violence and abuse the wounds can go deep and the impact can be life long. The journey of healing takes us beyond merely surviving to thriving. A part of thriving is using our experience to give help others. When survivors get together in community there is a healing power unlike any other. I’ve been gifted with others along my healing journey willing to share their experiences, their wisdom, their compassion and grace with me. And I get to share mine with them.
There is so much wisdom among us who have “been there.” So I am beginning a new blog series featuring some survivors who are willing to share with us their wisdom. Periodically I will ask questions of them and share their responses.
Turn Your Wounds into Wisdom. Oprah Winfrey
One of the common challenges for survivors is asking for help. My first questions were: What do you do when you find it hard to ask for help? How do you overcome your reluctance? What messages do you tell yourself?  What works for you?
What do you do when you find it hard to ask for help?: When it’s hard to ask for help, I turn to those I trust most. They typically have trusted me with their very personal experiences and I have previously shared deeply with them. I feel more confidence they won’t judge me and will offer the support I need. Sometimes I also dialogue with myself through journal writing or poetry, which helps me clarify what’s going on and what will be most helpful.
You deserved health and happiness.
How do you overcome your reluctance?: When I am reluctant to ask for help, I think of those in really difficult situations, with challenges perhaps much bigger than mine, and I think of the bravery they’ve shown in being vulnerable and asking for help. I may also communicate with a trusted friend or loved one and ask them to remind me and otherwise hold me accountable to get the help I know I need.
What messages do you tell yourself?: I think of one of my fellow survivors who told me that I deserved to have what I was looking for – that helped me to see my issues as barriers that I should work to remove, not something wrong with me. It’s easier to blame yourself, see healing as unattainable, and avoid help-seeking when you see the problem as yourself instead of what happened to you. So I will pass along the message given to me, “You deserve health and happiness.” Give yourself permission and encouragement to go get it.
What works for you?: What works for me is to stay connected with support, formal and informal. Men Healing is a great example of a formal support that can lead to new connections and informal support through a wide network of other men who have dealt with similar issues and can assist you in your own recovery. JG
I didn’t want people to see my weakness.
My take on asking for help used to be that I was broken in many ways. I didn’t want people to see my weakness. Today it is still hard to ask for help. I am learning that from other survivors it is alright to ask and actually they are glad to talk about my roadblock. I have a fellow survivor that I can talk with who has been on his journey a lot longer than myself. To reach out is actually a strength not a weakness. l am still learning that it is not a burden to reach out during a rough time talking about my problem always leaves me with a good attitude. l try to remind myself that it is not a burden to someone and they are happy to help. l am part of two support groups. I am not afraid to bring up a dilemma that I may be trying to resolve. I know that I am in a safe place and won’t be judged. JB
This is something I struggle with.
Wow, that’s a toughie because this is something I still struggle with. However, it’s something that at least I’m aware that I struggle with. I’d say when I have to ask someone for help and I’m not sure if it’s something I really should be asking for help with, often I go to someone I absolutely trust, like my wife or my therapist, and ask them if I should ask for help. Unsurprisingly, 100% of the time the answer is “Yes, of course you should!” I realize this is a less than ideal dynamic, especially with regards to my wife who is providing uncompensated emotional labor for me, and it’s something I continue to work on.
During the times when I do ask for help unprompted, I’m thinking less about myself and what might happen if I look foolish for asking for help and more about the goal I’m trying to achieve by asking for help. I have an uncanny ability to make things about myself, which I think a lot of people with PTSD share. But I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to overthink everything and I’m learning to trust myself and not let what I might think others will think of me get in the way of the results of asking for help. Because asking for help is often necessary, and 99% of the time no one actually cares that I’m asking for help. It really helps when I remind myself of this. Michael Lain
My friends rallied behind me.
When I find it hard to ask for help, I remind myself that in the past whenever I have asked for help, my friends have rallied behind me and lifted me up. I wear a rock around my neck given to me from a fellow survivor that reminds me I am not alone. After daring to trust first one, then two, then more friends, my circle of support has expanded and is now robust, fulfilling, and safe. I have created this support network by sharing vulnerable moments with people I trusted. Having people I trust that I can turn to makes it easier for me to reach out whenever I need emotional support. In fact, the question for me is not so much whether I reach out, but to whom. I no longer hesitate to seek assistance because the forty years that I kept my abuse and struggles to myself, didn’t lead to anything but misery and unhealthy behavior. The new me who asks for and receives help is much healthier in every way. Peter Doucette
A special thanks to these brave men willing to share with us. Next time we will hear from three other male survivors. If you have questions you would like me to pose to them, email me (mi*******@me********.org) or leave them in the comments below.
Be well. Stay safe. Take good care.
Mike
