There is so much wisdom among us who have “been there.” This is a continuation from the last post featuring some survivors who are willing to share with us their wisdom. Periodically I will ask questions of them and share their responses.
One of the common challenges for survivors is asking for help. My first questions were: What do you do when you find it hard to ask for help? How do you overcome your reluctance? What messages do you tell yourself? What works for you?
I try to check in with all the parts of myself
Sometimes I get disconnected from myself and I don’t even know I need help. I try to check in with all the parts of myself. I try not to be afraid of the information they are offering me. I remind myself that connection is everything. We all need it and when I reach out, I’m helping others too. I’ve survived so much. Now I want to thrive. Connection is thriving. What has worked best for me is holding myself accountable. I have friends who help me be accountable to myself and to what I want, and I want to be connected. I would encourage everyone not to give up on finding those friendships. Andrew Vinyard
One myth that abuse taught me was to not ask for help
What do you do when you find it hard to ask for help? I have gotten a lot better with this issue. One myth that abuse taught me was to not ask for help because it wasn’t there. It has taken years to be able to ask for the help I need in most situations. I still carry some of the gender issues around asking for finical assistance. However, when in spiritual pain I have a fellowship of men and women that I meet with weekly and we share ideals on how to live in a state happiness, joy and freedom. There I feel comfortable seeking help. They also can see the pain and ask what is happening. That is so different from before when I would just give up and surrender and usually turn to chaotic behaviors to manage the emotional conflict.
How do you overcome your reluctance? Today I can overcome the reluctance, sometimes, by listening to others share how they are asking for help. I also find it easier if I tell myself I am getting assistance verse help. The power of words.
What messages do you tell yourself? I try to listen for the false narrative “you aren’t worthy of help” and I combat it with “you are worthy of others love”. When I always people to help me I am in someway also potentially being a blessing to that person. There is a saying a hear in the 12-Step fellowships that helps me “ When A helps B, sometimes A gets the most out of it”. Not a direct quote.
What works for you? Staying connected to people that are on the journey with me. David Washington
asking for help has always been difficult
Asking for help has always been one of the difficult tasks in my recovery. Difficult for sure, but also essential. I grew up with parents that expected me to do adult things for them and dumped blame on me if I didn’t get it right – the first time. My abuse occurred in my home and left me feeling inadequate and silent. My mother was the “ring-leader” of the hostilities I experienced and she convinced me I could not do anything correctly.
I spent 18 years with my active alcoholism and when I was able to stop I had no clue about Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or recovery. As soon as I stopped drinking I started to live in my version of “white-knuckle” behavior.
I didn’t last long and I was transferred from my good job to a lower paying one and realized I was in trouble. I had no one to talk to or how to ask for help. One of the women who knew me for several years asked me if she could talk to me one day.
When we sat down she asked me about my drinking and for the first time, I admitted I thought I was an alcoholic. She was very nice and invited me to an AA meeting the next day. I went and thought I belonged but did not talk to anyone.
To make a longer story shorter, a few years after I joined AA I was still isolated and not really recovering. I was desperate for help and scared to ask for it. I finally started watching people I admired and how they talked to other AA people. How they asked questions and how they listened started to impress me and made me think I could do it. I watched a few of the people I admired and got up the nerve to ask one of them after a meeting, how it was easy for them to ask questions and talk to others. There was nothing judgmental in the response, it was gentle and the person seemed to know how anxious I was. He suggested I talk to certain people who he thought could help me and he was right. I was invited to coffee and other folks suggested I take up a service role where I could contribute to the meeting and meet more alcoholics. I did as they suggested and slowly but surely, I finally became an alcoholic in recovery and part of the group. Kevin Flood
Special thanks for all these brave men willing to share their wisdom. Watch for more in this series.
Be well. Stay safe. Take good care.
Mike
